Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger

I recently got in touch with an old friend from high school. I was paging through her blog when I found the post below. After her post is a set of comments I sent her. After my comments is her reply.

31 Things Guys Should Know About Girls

(Written by a guy after years of experience)

Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
Beware of every single male relatives and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
--8.5. If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.
You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales. Like ME! (I'm a pig)
Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.
--11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the crap out of him.
If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
Don't flirt with their moms or friends...that's just freaky.
Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be understanding.
If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
Don't marinade the cologne.
Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
Don't ever do anything wrong (well not anything). girls remember things for life and anything you did wrong will be used against you in the future.

I just read something you posted way back in November. It was a list of things that men should know about women. I think guys get rewarded for doing the opposite of many of those things, so I wouldn't expect them to change. Here are my comments [in brackets]:

Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.

[Seeing this is its own reward]
Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.

[I personally believe that many people who cheat are doing it because they want to sabatoge the relationship. In other words, they want to end their current relationship, but they don't have the balls. If that's the motivation, the idea of word getting back is an incentive, not a deterant]
Beware of every single male relatives and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

[What would you do if the guy you were dating was cautious, and perhaps even nervous when he encountered the other men in your life? I think I would take issue with this one less if it didn't start with the word "Beware"]
Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

[Picture somebody who really does this. I mean *really* does this. This man is clingy and needy. He wants to buy your affection with compliments. Here's a better plan. Track opportunities to tell a girl she's beautiful. Let 90% of those opportunities pass. Pounce on the ones that will be a surprise. The only exceptions are prom night and wedding day. You have to say it then.]
Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

[You know what's attractive about this? The guy who doesn't care what other people think is the one who makes this attractive. But you can't come out and say that and you know it, because the next time he is embarrassing you he can always say "I thought you told me not to care what other people think."]
If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

[No. No. No. This amounts to always finding in the woman's favor. Any man who accepts this is completely and totally whipped. Can you honestly say that's attractive?]
Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

[I'll give you this one. In fact, I wish somebody told me this when I was in High School. Still, now that it's out there, I hope you realize how far some guys will take it]
If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

--8.5. If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

[I'm going to tell you a story that I still don't understand. The first girl I slept with was really concerned about her reputation. Before we slept together, she would tell people that she was proud of the fact that she was waiting. After we slept together, some coworkers suspected it and asked. I lied for her. She got mad at me. I still don't understand]
You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...

[I'll give this one]
Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales. Like ME! (I'm a pig)

[If you can tell me how men are supposed to use this information, I can give you an example of how men are rewarded for doing the opposite]
Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.

--11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

[Tell me honestly how men are rewarded for always paying. I can't help but think that if a man gets something he wants because he's laying out more money, that this smells a lot like prostitution. (I'm allowing for emotional prostitution or intellectual prostitution - don't think I'm saying all men want is sex)]
Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

[I know guys who give a lot of gifts, and I know guys who give nothing and dump all over girls. Can you tell me that the women prefer the gift givers?]
Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

[This is actually a good idea, but for God's sake make sure you don't come off as clingy when you do it.]
If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the crap out of him.

[All right. You put this out there. You have surrendered the privilege of complaining if your guy settles all disputes with violence]
If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

[Do you still do this if you are trying to negotiate a threesome?]
Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.

[Never make gestures back? I find that the best thing to do when a woman slaps you is laugh. Is that considered a gesture?]
Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

[Guys: do this or don't. Women think it matters but really, will she sleep with you more often because you watched some stupid chick flick?]
You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

[This is yet another suggestion that is good if you do it right, but poison if you come off as clingy]
Don't flirt with their moms or friends...that's just freaky.

[Go ahead and do this if you think you actually have a chance with the mom or the friend. Sacrificing the relationship for the bragging right is totally its own reward]
Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be understanding.

[Women: if you aren't giving blowjobs when Aunt Flo is in town, then don't complain to me]
If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

[The guy should be driving anyway]
If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

[There's one exception - See number 19]
Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

[Is this what it sounds like when you grant us permission to take you on the Burger King date?]
If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

[See number 20 - rub her uterus and you might get a blowjob out of the deal. It's like rubbing Aladdin's lamp.]
Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

[You have to test the limits here. You won't know how gentle you have to be until you hurt her a few time. Such is life]
Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.

[Yes! Take every opportunity to remind her that she is getting old. In fact, the birthday is a week long event. About a week before her birthday, make sure you get caught looking at younger women. If you are a pro, then this is good breakfast canversation: "It's so unfair how as you get older, it gets harder and harder to lose weight"]
Don't marinade the cologne.

[Because cologne is expensive]
Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

[Wal-mart sells jewelry on the cheap. Don't think you're fooling her, though. Just remember that if she says anything, she's the one who has bad manners]
If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

[Let me summarize: "When the sex gets boring, leave"]
After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

[I'm going to leave that one alone because I'd have to be an asshole to argue with that. In return, you concede that I'm not an asshole for saying "When the sex gets boring, leave"]
Don't ever do anything wrong (well not anything). girls remember things for life and anything you did wrong will be used against you in the future.

[Can you see how this works? She's already gearing up for the next argument]

Hahahaha! You make me laugh....I genuinely enjoyed that! Now, are you ready for my rebuttal (and occasional concession)?

Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.

Zach:Seeing this is its own reward

Deri: amen to that, we actually WANT to be caught sometimes.
Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.

Zach:I personally believe that many people who cheat are doing it because they want to sabatoge the relationship. In other words, they want to end their current relationship, but they don't have the balls. If that's the motivation, the idea of word getting back is an incentive, not a deterant

Deri: I completely agree but be prepared to deal with .. 3 if you ARE that sackless....
Beware of every single male relatives and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

Zach:What would you do if the guy you were dating was cautious, and perhaps even nervous when he encountered the other men in your life? I think I would take issue with this one less if it didn't start with the word "Beware"

Deri: I have a lot of experience with this one as Todd, John and the rest of the crew have tortured me with this since I was 14 yrs. old. WAAAAY too overprotective! A girl absolutely doesn't want a guy to roll over and show his belly BUT an awareness of the situation and a bit of respect for THEIR place in her life certainly earns BIG ol' points...
(Sidenote : *** points = blowjobs ***)
Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

Zach:Picture somebody who really does this. I mean *really* does this. This man is clingy and needy. He wants to buy your affection with compliments. Here's a better plan. Track opportunities to tell a girl she's beautiful. Let 90% of those opportunities pass. Pounce on the ones that will be a surprise. The only exceptions are prom night and wedding day. You have to say it then.

Deri: I'm with you on this 100 %.....I had a boyfriend once who constantly told me how pretty I was...blah blah blah...it actually led me to consider disfiguring myself just to get him to shut the hell up!
Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

Zach:You know what's attractive about this? The guy who doesn't care what other people think is the one who makes this attractive. But you can't come out and say that and you know it, because the next time he is embarrassing you he can always say "I thought you told me not to care what other people think."

Deri: Hahaha....should have thought of that myself!
If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

Zach:No. No. No. This amounts to always finding in the woman's favor. Any man who accepts this is completely and totally whipped. Can you honestly say that's attractive?

Deri: The average woman rarely brings out the slap...at least a REAL slap. So, if you're at the point where you're slapping the bastard, you don't care how attractive he is cuz it's over anyway.
Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

Zach:I'll give you this one. In fact, I wish somebody told me this when I was in High School. Still, now that it's out there, I hope you realize how far some guys will take it

Deri: Hallelujah...that's the point
If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

--8.5. If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

Zach:I'm going to tell you a story that I still don't understand. The first girl I slept with was really concerned about her reputation. Before we slept together, she would tell people that she was proud of the fact that she was waiting. After we slept together, some coworkers suspected it and asked. I lied for her. She got mad at me. I still don't understand

Deri: I agree with both....just keep your mouth shut about it all. Um, yeah...I don't get that either. Was she taking her meds?
You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...

Zach:I'll give this one

Deri: Wow....capitulation? Nice
Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales. Like ME! (I'm a pig)

Zach:If you can tell me how men are supposed to use this information, I can give you an example of how men are rewarded for doing the opposite

Deri: Merely this...don't say "Wow, I'm glad you eat like a normal person instead of just picking...it's refreshing to see a woman eat." What we hear is this..."Holy shit! I've never seen a female inhale such mass quantities of food!!! Fatass!" Hey, we're all nuts...I make no apologies for it.
Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.

--11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

Zach:Tell me honestly how men are rewarded for always paying. I can't help but think that if a man gets something he wants because he's laying out more money, that this smells a lot like prostitution. (I'm allowing for emotional prostitution or intellectual prostitution - don't think I'm saying all men want is sex)

Deri: Oh come on now...we've already established that you're ok with prostitution...hahaha! Seriously, I don't see why the whole paying thing is an issue for either party here. Somebody pull out a fiver and pay for the Whopper meal already!
Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

Zach:I know guys who give a lot of gifts, and I know guys who give nothing and dump all over girls. Can you tell me that the women prefer the gift givers?

Deri: Yes, I can surely tell you that. Regardless of what it is...to a woman ANY gift says two things. First that he was thinking of her when they weren't together and second, that he thinks she's wonderful enough to put forth the effort. I once dated a guy and we shared a silly joke about HeMan and Skeletor. He got me a random Skeletor action figure that I STILL have 12 years later.
Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

Zach:This is actually a good idea, but for God's sake make sure you don't come off as clingy when you do it.

Deri: That's a tough one....there's a fine line between concerned and stalker.
If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the crap out of him.

Zach:All right. You put this out there. You have surrendered the privilege of complaining if your guy settles all disputes with violence

Deri: Any guy I had a relationship with would be intelligent enough not to settle EVERY dispute with violence or I wouldn't be dating him.
If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

Zach:Do you still do this if you are trying to negotiate a threesome?

Deri: No, in that case, you pull them both closer...
Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.

Zach:Never make gestures back? I find that the best thing to do when a woman slaps you is laugh. Is that considered a gesture?

Deri: Are you nitpicking now?
Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

Zach:Guys: do this or don't. Women think it matters but really, will she sleep with you more often because you watched some stupid chick flick?

Deri: Any woman will sleep with you more often if she thinks that you consider her important...and going to the occasional chick flick says that REALLY LOUD! It's in the handbook that a chick flick = blowjob (usually after the movie but sometimes.....)
You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

Zach:This is yet another suggestion that is good if you do it right, but poison if you come off as clingy

Deri: It's all about respect
Don't flirt with their moms or friends...that's just freaky.

Zach:Go ahead and do this if you think you actually have a chance with the mom or the friend. Sacrificing the relationship for the bragging right is totally its own reward

Deri: I only date guys who've already slept with all of them...takes the pressure off. Why are you looking at me like that?
Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be understanding.

Zach:Women: if you aren't giving blowjobs when Aunt Flo is in town, then don't complain to me

Deri: I'm with you
If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

Zach:The guy should be driving anyway

Deri: This is why we each have our own trucks, thank you!
If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

Zach:There's one exception - See number 19

Deri: Dude, you totally want to bang my mom!!!
Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

Zach:Is this what it sounds like when you grant us permission to take you on the Burger King date?

Deri: What's Burger King?
If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

Zach:See number 20 - rub her uterus and you might get a blowjob out of the deal. It's like rubbing Aladdin's lamp.

Deri: Hahahahaha! Lovely! The feet work too
Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

Zach:You have to test the limits here. You won't know how gentle you have to be until you hurt her a few time. Such is life

Deri: True, but woe unto you if you don't catch onto that pain tolerance VERY quickly
Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.

Zach:Yes! Take every opportunity to remind her that she is getting old. In fact, the birthday is a week long event. About a week before her birthday, make sure you get caught looking at younger women. If you are a pro, then this is good breakfast canversation: "It's so unfair how as you get older, it gets harder and harder to lose weight"

Deri: Wanna come to my birthday party? Seven days of Bengay and Depends....w00t!
Don't marinade the cologne.

Zach:Because cologne is expensive

Deri: And it makes us think you're hiding the fact that you missed your monthly shower
Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

Zach:Wal-mart sells jewelry on the cheap. Don't think you're fooling her, though. Just remember that if she says anything, she's the one who has bad manners

Deri: Touche'
If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

Zach:Let me summarize: "When the sex gets boring, leave"

Deri: If only all relationships lasted only 4 dates!
After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

Zach:I'm going to leave that one alone because I'd have to be an asshole to argue with that. In return, you concede that I'm not an asshole for saying "When the sex gets boring, leave"

Deri: Compromise? Are WE having a relationship?
Don't ever do anything wrong (well not anything). girls remember things for life and anything you did wrong will be used against you in the future.

Zach:Can you see how this works? She's already gearing up for the next argument

Deri: There is no such thing as the 'next argument'....we just pick up where we left off