Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger
The Change
I woke up sweating and gasping for air. I've had this feeling many times before, and I could tell myself, this is a dream - this isn't really happening to me. In reality, I've never felt anything so real, and it is happening to me.
I can feel the blood rushing through my chest and neck. What's missing is my pulse - the flow feels more like water rushing past a rowboat, pushed by oars. There's a throbbing in temples and at the base of my skull, beating like my heart used to. The feeling can only be described like that of somebody who loses an arm but feels the phantom limb. My biceps also spasm to the same rhythm. I think I'm desperately trying to regain my old internal clock.
Throughout my body, I'm tingling about an inch below my skin. Nothing outside that tingling feeling feels real. It feels like I am something other than my flesh and bone, and I'm trying to get out. Like I'm some kind of insect molting because I've outgrown my shell.
How can I possibly be laying here conscious with no heartbeat? I put my hand on my chest for confirmation. There is no heartbeat, but everything feels like unreliable second-hand information. How can I believe sensations from my body when I'm something different than my own body now, and I'm trying to escape?
I take deep breaths. The rush of oxygen makes me feel more like a person, and less like a spirit. I feel grounded again, I feel myself slip back into my own skin. I sit up and touch my chest again. For some reason, I need confirmation that I have no heartbeat. I grab my wrist looking for a pulse. It seems surreal that I'm checking the signs to pronounce myself dead.
There is a quick rumble in my stomach. Before I notice I'm doing it, I lean forward and vomit. No pain, no burn, no clenching stomach muscles. My body is simply releasing something it no longer needs - food.
I spit, and then go back to compulsively looking for a heartbeat. I don't know if I'm worried, or if I just want to be sure that I have gone through the change. I stop to think about worry, then fear, then love, then hate. They are all gone. Any emotion with a chemical origin in human physiology is gone. Whatever used to create that is now a vestigial organ. I feel like I should mourn the loss of my humanity, but … I can't. I can think of so many times in my life that I should have mourned but I couldn't cry. Maybe I've always been a vampire, the change just made it official.