Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger
Humor Archive
The Canonical List of Sex Jokes
A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help. "Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?"
"Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and Idon't quite know what I should be getting."
"Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do you just fine."
"Why 3?", says the lad.
"Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one breaks.", replies the clerk.
"Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad.
"That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of the week." says the clerk.
"Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad.
"Oh. You don't need that.", says the clerk.
"Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical."
"Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom andsays, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell outthe window!"
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted.
The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it.
A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist says, "What can I help you with?"
The teen hesistantly says, "I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom."
Pharmacist says, "Okay. Here you are." (Sets a box of condoms on counter)
The teen, thinking that was rather easy and painless, says, "Well, now that I think about it, I think I'll be needing two boxes of condoms."
The pharmacist replies, "Well, okay." (Gets another one)
The teen, getting even bolder, then says, "Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight. I think I'll be needing four boxes of condoms."
The teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants until he's leaving the pharmacy with 20 boxes of condoms.
Later that night, the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tellshim that he's invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the meal.
The teen accepts and says the following, "Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the people who took the time to grow it and...(goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing *everything* including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...) ...Amen."
The girl turns to the teen and says, "Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious."
The teen whispers back, "Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist."
This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
"What do you want?"
"Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..."
"What do you want?"
"I need some protection, alright??!?!"
"What size?"
"Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess."
"That'll be $2.35 including tax."
"Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit tobust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire...
A tire might be a goodyear, but 365 condoms is a GREAT year!
Why do cowboys use denim condoms?
Because they shrink to fit.
Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers?
You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Written on one of the condom vending machines:
For refund, insert baby.
What do you call a grain of sand in a condom?
An organ grinder!
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.
When is the best time to wear a condom?
On every conceivable occasion!
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)
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Q. What's the speed limit on sex?
68. At 69 she'll blow a rod.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
Getting her in and out of the wheelchair!
Is three an odd number?
Not in this day and age.
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife
wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
What's better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ
What did the corn chip say to the battery?
If your Eveready, I'm Frito Lay!
What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick?
Mike Tabor
What do toys and womens breasts have in common.
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with
them.
Did you hear about the "day after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
Did you know there are four different types of orgasms? They are:
The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"
The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"
The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"
The fake orgasm: "Oh Mike, Ohh Miiiike, OH MIIIIIIIIKE!"
Why is sex like air?
It's no big thing, unless you aren't getting any.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Virginity can be cured.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
As Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth control has already been born?"
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
If God had not meant man to have sex with a goat, why put the horns in such a handy position? - Smith and Jones
A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."
The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.
As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?."
These three women were sitting around one night talking about there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they do - we can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this they rush together and make tumultuous love.
The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more inflamed herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says: "Run right out for some grapefruit and lifesavers!"
An old man goes to the local brothel and says to the madam, "I'd like one of your best girls, please."
The madam looks him over and says, "You must be at least 70 or 80 years old, mister."
"Close, I'm 87," he replied proudly.
"Well, grandpa," she said, looking at his frail body, "I think you've had it!"
The old geezer looked confused for a minute and then said, "I have? ...How much do I owe ya?"
A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!". The man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered."
The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive _lowered_??"
To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"
An old woman in a nursing home says to her male contemporary, "If you take me to the movie tonight, I'll hold your pecker!"
The old man replies, "Sorry, I'm going to the movie with Mabel and she's going to hold my pecker."
The old woman asks, "What's Mabel got that I haven't got?
To which the old man replies, "Parkinson's!"
A guy gives his 85-year-old father a surprise visit from a call girl. She says, "Hi, I'm here to give you some super sex." He replies, "Umm, thanks, I'll take the soup."
A horny man was walking past a graveyard when, all of the sudden, he notices a guy and girl doing it amongst the tombstones. Being desperate, he says: "Hey, can I give her a try?" The other guy replies: "Go dig up your own..."
A midget goes to a whorehouse. None of the girls really want to go to bed with him, so they finally draw lots and Mishell was the unlucky one who had to go upstairs to the bedroom with the midget.
A minute later, there was a loud scream. The madam and all the girls charged up the stairs and into the midget's bedroom. Mishell laid on the floor in a fainted swoon. Standing next to the bed was the midget, naked, with a three foot erect cock hanging down and almost touching the floor.
The girls were baffled and awestruck by the sight. One of them finally regained her composure and asked him, "Say, would you mind if we felt that big piece you're carrying? We've never seen anything like that before."
"Okay, honey," sighed the midget, "But touch ONLY. Absolutely no sucking. I used to be six feet tall."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
Little Johnny can't sleep. So he gets up and enters his parents bedroom. It's not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing and compromising position. Johnny is shocked! "Daddy! Mommy! What's wrong! Are you okay?" he asks hesitantly.
His father being the quick thinker that he is stammers, "Uhm! Your mommy and I are, ummm, making you a baby brother or sister to play with. It takes a while and it looks funny but that's how it's done."
Little Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction. His dad is extremely pleased and sends him back to bed.
A week later, Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch.
"What's wrong Johnny?" asked his worried father.
"You know my baby brother you and mommy were making?"
"Yeah?,"
Little Johnny cries, "Well, while you were at work, mommy let the mailman in and he ate my baby brother!!"
A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddam train 'cause we're leaving."
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language.
Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"
Little Johnny had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything. One day, Johnny's father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said, "Sir, I think I know how to teach little Johnny a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
Johnny's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Johnny making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Johnny, I want you to remain after class."
When all the other children left the classroom, Johnny walked up to th teacher and, before she could say anything, told her, "Don't say it. I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!!"
"Johnny!" the startled teacher said, "What are you talking about?!?"
"You're a fake!" Johnny continued, "How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!!"
Trying to keep her composure and stay cool, the teacher said, "Johnny, that isn't true."
"I'll bet a dollar that your bush is black as night!" Johnny challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Johnny a lesson. "Make it twenty dollars and you have a bet," she said.
"You're on!" Johnny whipped out a twenty dollar bill.
Before anyone could come into the room, the teacher quickly pulled up her dress, dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Johnny that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on her head.
Johnny hung his head in defeat. "You win," he said, handing her the twenty dollar bill.
The teacher could hardly wait for Johnny to leave so she could call his father back. She reported to him what had happened. "Sir," she said, "I think we've finally taught him a lesson."
"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning, Johnny bet me fifty dollars that he'd get to see your cunt before the day was over."
Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips
Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there
Her begging eyes
Her whimpering crie
Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet
The night is warm, there is no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog out
Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*."
A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the bartender says "If you're such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."
The customer says "No problem, name it."
The bartender says" Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. Third, there's a hooker up stairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up there and make her come.
The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the bar. After that he says "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes the man to the back room and shuts the door.
For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says "OK, where's the hooker with the abcessed tooth?"
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."
A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the farm, right next to their house. Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the other room.
As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly his penis extends to a foot and a half. However, it is still only as thick as a pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide." The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex.
The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are having breakfast.
"So, how was it?" asks the farmer.
"It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?"
"Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept playing with my ears."
Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm pregnant again. I need a hearing aid."
Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive."
Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a hearing aid."
Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?"
Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night, when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'"
Little Red Riding Hood is riding through the woods to see her grandmother. As she enters the woods a birds lands on her shoulder and exclaims "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further. The big bad wolf says he's going to get you and fondle you. Little Red Riding Hood disregards the bird's warning and proceeds even further into the woods. A little bit later, a squirrel catches her attention and cries "Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further! The big bad wolf is going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood responds with mocking laughter and continues on into the woods. Some time later, a fox comes bounding out of the woods hollering for Little Red Riding Hood to turn back. "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please please don't go any further. The big bad wolf is just up ahead. He's going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood blows him off as she did the others and rides on. A few moments later, the big bad wolf makes his promised appearance. He leaps out of the woods growling menacingly "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood nonchalantly reaches into her knapsack, pulls out a pistol, looks the wolf squarely in the eyes and says "no you're not, you are going to eat me like the story says."
Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and closes the zipper.
The woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.
Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.
After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"
"Oh, you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm."
"But that's awful! What do you take for it?"
"Pepper," answers the man.
Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a word of English.
"I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry.
So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.
The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him.
He said, "What was that for?"
She said, "For being a lousy lover!"
He thought about that for a few moments, then he hit her back.
She said, "What was that for?"
He said, "For knowing the difference!"
Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for the price.
"This frog is worth $4000, madam."
"WHAT? Why is it so expensive?"
"Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus."
"I see... I'll take it."
So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens the box on the bed. The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop. I'll be right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, the shopowner sees the problem, and tells the frog, "ALL RIGHT NOW, look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you!
A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home early. To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet, the lover soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongs to, he discovers, the woman's young son.
"Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy.
"Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man.
"Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream."
"Please, kid, don't scream."
"Can I have some money?" asked the boy.
"Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got."
The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on.
"I really feel like screaming."
"No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream."
"Well, I don't know"
"Here's the last of my money, just don't scream."
The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. At last, the husband left and the man was able to make a hasty exit.
Later, the boy went with his mother to a store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy it with his new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source of this money and scolded him. The boy refused to reveal the source of the money. So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in to see the local pastor in confession.
"Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure is dark in here."
"Now, don't start that with me again," said the priest.
A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks around, and sees a big bulge in the curtains, and a pair of feet sticking out underneath. He whips the curtains open, and says, "Who the hell are you?"
The man says, "I'm the moth inspector."
The husband says, "Moth inspector? Why are you naked?"
The man looks down and says, "Damn. I'm too late."
Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action. "Well, hell boy, just use the camel, like everyone else.", the sergeant replied. Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Serg, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I told ya, if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls." He was promoted to Colonel a week later.
Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria:
- The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband)
- The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband)
- The man was good in bed.
The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied:
- Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
- I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.
Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad."
The man in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
A girl was in the shower she saw her mom's tits, and she asked when she would get some like hers. The mom replied that when she was 16, she would get tits. Later that day the girl took a shower with her dad. She asked what his penis was, and he told her that it was a dick. The girl paused asking her dad when she would get a dick, and the dad answered as soon as your mother left!
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost 3 times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself! Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?"
A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."
A guy and a girl are in bed, screwing, when he says to her, "Turn over. I want to fuck you up the ass."
"You want to fuck me up the ass?" she repeats, unbelievingly. "Isn't that a little presumptuous?"
"Presumptuous?" he counters. "Isn't that a big word for a seven-year-old?
The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a little early and surprise her husband. When she got home, she saw her husband in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes."
So John took off her shoes.
Then she said, "John, take off my dress."
So John obliged and took off her dress.
Next, it was "John, take off my slip."
So John took off her slip.
Then, she said, "John take off my bra!"
So John unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor.
Lastly, she said "John, take off my panties!!!."
After John finished removing her panties, she said, "Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and conquest but he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife Mrs. Arthur. He summoned Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had just the thing. Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to King Arthur that this magic dick would be just the thing. Mrs. Arthur could command it quit simply and it would never fail to satisfy. All she had to do was utter the comand magic "penis my cunt" and it would satisfy her every need until she gave the comand "magic penis stop." Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it was fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure in the knowledge that his wife would stay faithful.
Back at the castle, Mrs. Arthur was feeling a little horny. She decided the magic penis would be just the thing and retired to her chamber for a monster diddle. All went well and orgasm after orgasm passed for what must have been hours. By this time, Mrs. Arthur was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick nibble.
Unfortunately, through all that passion she had forgotten the command to call off the magic penis and try as she might she couldn't get it right. In sheer desperation, she pried it from her, but still it would not stop and tried desperately to reinsert itself. Mrs. Arthur ran down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle gate pursued by the crazed vibro. As she passed the gate, a guard shouted to her why she was in such a rush.
"I'm being chased by a magic penis" she replied.
"Magic penis my ass..." said the guard, "Uuuuugh!"
An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the little puppy she had just purchased from the local pound and was her loyal companion that always followed her around the house. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend and, besides, if the dog was anything like her next door neighbor's German Shepherd that always tried to hump her knee when she went over for a visit, she could also have sexual fulfillment with this last wish. Poof! The fairy turned the puppy into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and said, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true. He said that one day, he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "Vaseline-Powered Car For Sale". He thought this was pretty odd so he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car. He drove for about five miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it.
They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette.
"1969, 369 Cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission", the old man said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?", he asked.
As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far". This guy turned the key and that car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelieveable! He had covered five miles in under three minutes when, all of the sudden, the car shut off. He coasted to a stop and got out. To his fear, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk.
Meanwhile, down the road...
A family had just finished supper. There was dad, mom, and two daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling mom how good supper was and mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she had a date and the other daughter said she had homework to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes, then what they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room.
There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the door saw the family throught the window. He knocked again but nobody answered. He walked in.
"Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said...hey, food! Do you mind if I have some?," the stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked dad if he minded if he had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her. Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He walked back into the living room and asked dad if he could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her into the bedroom and had sex with her too. Later, sitting at the table, after more beer, mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took mom into the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living room and stood in front of dad.
"Hey, do you have any Vaseline?", he asked dad.
And dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."
A man walks towards the bathroom door and starts yelling: "Son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Don't play with yourself anymore. Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The son replies: "I'm over here, dad, in the hallway."
A kid goes up to his father. "Dad, what's the difference between 'fantasy' and 'reality'?"
The father thinks about how to explain this for a moment. "Son, you go up to both your mother and sister and ask them each if they would sleep for one night with a total stranger for a million dollars, say...the next door neighbor or someone like Robert Redford."
The kid leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later. "They both said yes" he tells his father.
"I will now explain to you the difference between 'fantasy' and 'reality'." says the father. "In fantasy, we are sitting on a piggy bank worth two million dollars, but in reality, you have two whores for a mother and sister."
One day, Superman was flying over the city when looking down he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on the roof of some building. He said to himself, "Since the first time that I saw her, I have been dreaming about her; here is my chance". So Superman goes into a dive, in and out like a flash, then goes back up in the sky to his duties.
Wonder Woman, noting that something had happened, says, "What was that?"
The Invisible Man stands up and replies, "I do not know, but I sure felt something strange going on in my ass."
A Koala bear walks into a whore house. One by one he walks into each of the rooms, spend fifteen minutes in each one, and then goes to the next room.
When he's all done, he walks towards the door to leave. The pimp yells out, "Where do you think you're going?"
The koala bear says, "I'm leaving."
The pimp says, "Do you know where you are?"
The koala bear says, "Yes, I'm in a brothel."
The pimp has never heard it called a brothel before, but there's a dictionary handy, so he looks up brothel. He yells to the koala bear, "That's right, you're in a brothel, and it says here that in a brothel, people pay for sex! And since you just spent time with all my hookers, you're going to pay up!"
The koala bear takes the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear. He points to the definition and says, "See, Koala Bear - Small grey marsupial native to Australia. EATS BUSHES AND LEAVES"
A young boy and his mother was walking down the road.
"Look Jim thats a puddle of H2O." the mother professes
"No mummy," the bright young child replies, "thats a puddle of K9P."
"I have the heart of a little child, and the brain of a genius -- and I keep them in a jar under my bed"
Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
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