Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger
Humor Archive
Dumb Quotes
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"They give you a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House bank scandal.
"He didn't say that. He read what was given to him in a speech."
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They weren't stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
Commonwealth Edison supervisor of news information John Hogan, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant Operators were sleeping on the job.
"I didn't accept it. I received it."
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that *where* I was flying made what I was doing spying."
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
President Richard Nixon
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
Vice-President Dan Quayle (surprise, surprise)
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
On Pesticides:
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway."
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
eon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
"If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games in this league, and that's the problem we had today."
Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost
On Government Ability to Communicate After Death,:
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired
on January 1, 1976."
Illinois Department of Public Aid
On Criticism: "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and I'm just the one to do it."
a congressional candidate in Texas
"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio
Wish--To end all the killing in the world
Hobbies--Hunting and fishing
from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium
"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and give it to 435 Congressmen!"
Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the indicted Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by the House instead of in a regular court
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion about the Holocaust
"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"
"At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
from Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
On the Little-known Importance of Poultry Inspectors:
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President;
hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
Back to the Archive