Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger

Humor Archive

There once was a man named Juan. Juan lived in a small town in a small country in South America. Juan was a nice guy who never beat his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, one day Juan was working in his field when a friend of his came over and told him that their mayor had died. Juan asked when the funeral was and stopped working out of heartbreak over the death of their beloved mayor. At the funeral some people started talking about who should replace the corpse as the mayor. Somebody mentioned Juan's name because after all, Juan was a nice guy that never beat his wife or his kids or the aardvark in the back yard. People liked this idea and Juan was quickly swept into office as mayor of this small town in a small South American country.

As mayor Juan was great! Crime was down 80%, poverty in the town was all but eliminated, the local soccer team won the national title (it's interesting to note that their nickname was the Red Sox after all everyone in the town imitated their even more beloved than the dead guy Mayor, Juan, as he always wore red socks. The next year however they sold soccer's equivalent of Babe Ruth to their archrivals and have yet to win the title since.) and everyone was happy. Well after five months as mayor Juan heard that their provincial Govenor was retiring. Well, people in the provincial legislature had heard of Juan's midas touch as mayor of that small town and decided that he should be the next Govenor, because after all Juan was a nice guy who never beat his wife or his kids or the aardvark in the backyard.

As governor Juan far surpassed all expectations. Crime was down 80%, poverty in the province was all but eliminated, the county sheriff's department beat the county's revolutionaries in their annual charity marksman contest, for the first time in 23 years, (it is interesting to note that this was the sheriff's departments first ever win also as the revolutionaries usually cheated but this year decided not to because after all the Govenor, Juan, was a nice guy who never beat his wife or his kids or the aardvark in the backyard.) and everyone was happy! After five months as Governor Juan heard of the latest Presidential Assassination and wept. The national Legislature heard of Juan's record as Governor and decided he was the man for the job and after all Juan's a nice guy who never beat his wife or kids or the aardvark in the backyard.

Actually the knew he pacified the revolutionaries and they figured hey maybe he won't get assasinated. Juan for Prez fever spread throughout the nation! Everywhere accross this small South American country did you see spray painted on rocks and bilboards, "Juan for Prez! After all he is a nice guy who never beat his wife or kids or the aardvark in the backyard."

"Pip for Prez '008!" (sorry wrong story, but don't ignore this!!!!)

"Juan for Prez! Crime will go down 80%, poverty will all but be eliminated, we'll win the world cup, and everyone will be happy!"

Well, Juan won by a landslide, and just as one spray paint artist had predicted, crime was down 80%, poverty had all but been elimated, their nation won the world cup (of course this was not world cup soccer but world cup donkey polo. An obscure sport only played by small South American and small African countries. Remarkably it was on ESPN2 but since no one had ESPN2 when this was written, no one saw it.) and everyone was happy.

One day, exactly five months after his inauguration, Juan was feeling the pressures of being President of a small South American country. He was feeling really stressed out, and was watching his aardvark in the backyard hunting ants as aardvark do oh so well.

Wander, wander, sluuuuuurp!

The slurping noise made Juan crack! He went into the backyard and beat the aardvark silly! (Not hard considering this story!) Well in this small South American country it is illegal to beat aardvarks! Juan went to court and recieved the mandatory sentence for beat an aardvark, Death by firing squad! But right now your thinking hey'll get saved! After all Juan was a nice guy who never beat his wife or his kids or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, he did beat the aaardvark in the backyard and he'll die so deal with it! When Juan went to the firing squad everyone had turned on him and no one showed him any pity at all! The firing squad stood ready when all of a sudden the aardvark appeared with a golf gun!

At this point you are asking yourself, "What the hell is a golf gun?" and "Am I going to regret reading this?" The answer to the second question is easy, yes you are! The first however is a different story completely, for I have no idea what a Golf gun is, all I know is that it is the moral of this story. The aardvark shot Juan with the golf gun! The effect was immediate! There was a Hole-in-Juan!

Back to the Archive