Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger

Humor Archive

There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
   When he got into bed,
   The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"

The United States Army;
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.

Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight are unimportant.
-- Henry Miller

Nothing is better than sex
Masturbation is better than nothing
Therefore, Masturbation is better than sex

To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?"

When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"

There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
    Because in their haste
    They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.

A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
    Said the doctor, a cynic,
    "Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed problem down the hall?

Incest, n.:
    Sibling revelry.

"God is big, so don't fuck with him."

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Achilles' Biological Findings:

  1. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
  2. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

  1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
  2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
  3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"

"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
    At least so I thought
    Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.

Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
    Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
    I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."

There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
    And he wouldn't have been
    If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.

The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"

"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
    -- Daniel Hinojosa

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
    Saw a man come along
    And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous ..."
    -- Robert Benchley

"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."

Q: Where does virgin wool come from?

A: Ugly sheep.

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
    He fell on his cutlass
    Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
    -- Lily Tomlin

"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."

College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?

There's more than one way to skin a cat:
    Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.

Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed.

I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

Chaste makes waste.

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?

A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.

You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
    She said, "It's a sin,
    But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.

"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
    -- W. C. Fields

The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance to prove it.

Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?

The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.

O'Riordan's Theorem:
    Brains x Beauty = Constant.
Purmal's Corollary:
    As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availability goes to zero.

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