Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger
Humor Archive
MEMORANDUM:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: RETIREMENT BULLETIN
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the Plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retire- ment, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a Program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year (via retirement) will be placed into effect immediately. This Program will be known as RAPE (Retirement Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the University. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retire- ment takes place. This phase of operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new Policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the University deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the University.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on-board that the University will continue its policy of to assure that employees are will-trained through our Special High Intensity Training Program (SHIT). The University takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other univer- sity in the area. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. Your Supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
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