Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger

Humor Archive

All I wanted to do was fuck her <pity you didn't forget to breathe -- you might have suffocated to death rather than write this rubbish>. She was so damn<ed> gorgeous. Just 14 too <what, no acne? most girls do not look their best at 14>. She wanted it bad <a lollipop, perhaps?>. I knew it. She didn't have a boyfriend <at 14 she should have a boyfriend?> so I knew she wasn't getting laid on a regular basis <how? for all you know, her father could be porking her>. I wondered if she had ever been fucked before <also wonder about kids in the third grade?>.

Her name was Melissa. She went to my school <I am getting sick of these short sentences. I really am>. I was a Senior <uh, this isn't German: you don't capitalize nouns> and she was a Freshman. I wanted her... I wanted her bad<ly>. She was about 5'5", a little shorter than me <arrrgh!>, and she had beautiful dirty blond hair <infested with lice?> down to the middle of her back. She had hypnotic blue eyes <well, I'm about to fall asleep, anyway> and luscious lips <how distinctive!>. Her figure was made up of <figments of your prosaic imagination> wonderful, booming tits <which could be heard ten miles away and broke glass in nearby windows>, a smooth, slender stomach <a really nice liver, two beautiful rounded kidneys...>, nasty curves at the waist <on which numerous motorists had had fatal accidents>, a round, firm, <ripe? sweet?> fuckable ass <huh? if your first instinct is to sodomize her, maybe you should be chasing boys instead>, and thin <spotty? spindly?> legs which I wanted to spread <like liverwurst on pumpernickel> to make room for my thundering cock <words fail me: I cannot imagine a comment sufficiently insulting>.

She knew me <carnally?>, but not that well <I guess not>. I think she thought I was a pretty nice guy though <and of course you had to disprove that>. One Saturday afternoon, I saw her walking through the field behind our school. I was there running laps around the track <yeah, sure -- as if you were an athlete, you wimpy little phony>. She was just wandering around - almost in a daze <probably stoned out of her mind>. It was a beautiful day in the middle of Spring <oh, how sensitive and poetic you are!>. Everything around us was in bloom <yes, indeed -- the trees, the fence, the concrete...>. It was a particularly hot day today <oooh, isn't English *tricky*? Is it your second language, perhaps?>. I'd say about 85 degrees <Celsius>. The outfit she had on practically made me drop a load <lay me burden down, eh?> just from looking at her <doesn't take much, does it? Do you get erections from looking at lingerie ads?>. She had on a torn white tee-shirt <in torn white>, cut off so I could almost see the underside of those <sagging?> awesome <breasts?> titties. Her nipples were rock hard underneath <aren't they all? Perhaps she had rubbed them with ice just moments before>. I knew because they were practically ripping through her shirt <gotta keep sharp objects away from those nipples -- they'll be threatening people next>. Her shorts were cut jeans <cut into julienne strips, perhaps?>. They were so fuckin' short that, from behind, I could see almost half of her ass cheeks <little flirt!>. God I just wanted to ram my dick up her ass <haven't you heard of vaginal sex? I guess not. You *sure* that you don't prefer boys? Nothing to be ashamed of nowadays -- homosexuality is becoming more widely accepted. You don't have to *pretend* that you prefer women. Really> as far as it could go <its entire pitiful length of an inch or two>. I was just staring at her for almost an hour <while running laps? all the time? and she just stayed there? rubbish!>. Finally I realized that my dick was swelled up <took you long enough, you dimwit> to its full <two?> eight <centimeters?> inches. It wanted to burst so badly <too bad that it didn't -- perhaps you could have made an incision?>. I ran down to her, shouting her name.

"Melissa!"

"Melissa!" <Wow, a new paragraph each time.>

She turned around and greeted me so sweetly that I almost came from <Alabama with your banjo on your knee?> hearing her voice.

"How are you, Pete?" <short for Peter -- you identify with your miserable little penis, do you?>

"I'm fine, and you?" <what wit! what sparkling conversation!> "Oh, I've been better. My whole family is fighting <the Muslim side having a jihad against the Christian, one side being supplied by Libya and the other by the CIA> and I'm just a little stressed out right now." I wanted to make her feel better <no, you wanted to have sex with her, whether it would make her feel better or not>, and I knew how to <you place a lot of faith in that tiny little thing between your legs>, but did she really want my long pulsating cock <as opposed to your short wiggly one, the other being a figment of your imagination> in her pussy <but you wanted to do her up the arse! I didn't even realize that you'd heard of vaginal sex>, or was it just my over active imagination <it's just your over-active imagination, believe me>?

Then she said, "What are you up to?"

I got a hold of myself and just risked total embarrassment <if you had a functioning brain, you'd be totally embarrassed at having written this twaddle> - I mean, what did I have to lose <nothing that you would value: your good name, perhaps? but then, except among innocents, that was probably long gone by this point>? So I said, "Well, if you let me <you're giving her a choice rather than just raping her! what a gentleman!>, I'm going to fuck your god damn brains out <such a sweet, gentle way you have with women>!"

She gazed at me like I was fuckin' nuts <hardly surprising -- it's the obvious inference to draw here>. "What?!!!!" She screamed. "I want to rip your fuckin' clothes off <not hard, if they're already as tattered as you describe> and fuck you like you've never been fucked before <how romantic! maybe I should try lines like that with women>!" (Secretly hoping that she never had been fucked before <ooh, isn't it *hard* to write proper sentences?>.)

She got a look on her face like she wanted to kick me in the nuts <in real life she would have, but not in pathetic little fantasies like this one>, but she just turned and walked away <more likely she would have run off to report a sex-crazed maniac like you to the police>.

There was no way I was going to let a pussy <so she's reduced to a mere vagina, is she? Charming. And you've forgotten entirely about sodomizing her!> like that get away <oh, so you're going to rape her now. *Such* a fine, upstanding piece of ambulatory excrement you are>. So I caught up with her and whisked her off <with a whisk broom?> her feet. I threw her over my shoulders, holding her body still with my left arm <she didn't put up a struggle at all?>, and caressing the smooth bulges of ass <you like petting donkeys?> cheek which were peeking out of her shorts with my right hand <how could they be peeking out of her shorts with your right hand?>.

"Let go of me, you fuckin' bastard!" she screamed in protest <as opposed to screaming it in delight, I suppose?>.

I ignored her <always the gentleman> and carried her to an area <pompous half-educated git, to use that word> of green grass <not verdant sward?> surrounded by blooming shrubbery <how romantic!>. This spot was concealed <still pompous -- just like a policeman who speaks of "apprehending the perpetrator"> in such a way that I could easily fuck her <you sure that your tiny little penis is up to the task?> until that beautiful pussy exploded <you using nitroglycerine instead of K-Y jelly or something?>, and no one would ever know <provided that you kill her, or that she's too stupid or scared to report the rape>. I put her on the ground, face up, and got on top of her so she couldn't move. She tried and tried to squirm her way out from under me, but I was too strong for her <probably just overcome by your fetid stench>. Finally, she gave up and lay still <the odor was probably enough to make her faint>. By this time, we were both sweating massively <as opposed to weightily> from the heat. I said to her calmly <always be calm when raping someone>, "Now Melissa, I just want to fuck you. It won't hurt <it damned well might if your prick were half the size you claim>. It won't do any harm <except possibly get her pregnant or give her some nasty disease>. It will feel good for you too <yeah, sure, you filthy rapist>."

She responded by <biting off your upper lip?> saying <nonsense!>, "Why do you want me so badly? <rubbish! `Go fuck yourself, you goddam rapist' would be more likely>"

"Because you're the fuckin' hottest bitch I've ever seen!" I replied <yes! exactly the words to charm a sensitive girl of fourteen>. "Well, I guess I could go for a good fuck now <words fail me again. It's more likely that she would have claimed to be the Shah of Iran in drag>." Those words were music to my ears <such a way you have with words! you should be a *writer*! pity that you aren't>.

"Let me up and I'll show you tits like you've never seen <could she be tricking him? naaah -- this is a halfwit's fantasy>. You can suck them and bite them <and play patty-cake with them and squeeze them and stuff pillows with them...> - you can do whatever you want with them <barbecue them on your backyard grill?>. Being as horny <and stupid -- but this is a fantasy, and it won't matter> as I was, I let her up, eagerly anticipating <sexual pleasure?> what the future held in store for me <how coy!>. She got up, lifted her little shirt off, and revealed the biggest tits I've ever seen on a 14 year old before <English is definitely your second language -- no, I take that back; no foreigner would make so obvious a blunder>. Then she reached for the tank top I was wearing and ripped it right off my chest. <Pretty damned strong, isn't she?>

"What the fuck did you do that for, bitch?" I screamed.

"Because I am fuckin' horny and I want your cock <piffle!>. I refuse to wait any longer! <now she's talkin' pompous, too>"

I was shocked <nonsense! you've had plenty of time to see that she's willing>. What <had?> happened to the screaming protests from just a few minutes ago? <I guess that it's just one of those risks of being a character in a story by an utterly incompetent writer.> Who the fuck cares <those tricky tenses again! naughty, naughty English language!>. I dropped my shorts and underwear so fast, I almost tripped on them trying to get them off <klutz!>. My dick was harder than <a steel rod?> it had ever been <not saying much. Will it explode? we can but hope>. It was booming <at 165 decibels> with the urge to break this fuckin' Freshman into a million pieces <hmmm...a really LOUD boom just might do that, if you get the frequency right>.

Then she took those shorts <what shorts? oh, *her* shorts> off. Even more of that tight ass was exposed now <really? I was *certain* that when she took them off, you'd see *less* of it!>.

I knelt down in front of her, clenched the crotch of her panties in my teeth, <yeah, sure> and ripped them from her body <breaking several teeth; blood streamed from your mouth>. She jumped on me immediately <you like being on the *bottom*, do you?>. She straddled my stomach and <caressed your liver and tickled your small intestine> moaned in <pain?> ecstasy <ah, good old ecstasy! wondered when it would show up!> as I squeezed the life out of those huge titties <ah! necrosis turns you on, I see>.

"Oh God!"she cried <bwahahahahaha! Sure! Can't miss *that* cliche, can we?>. "I want you to fuck me until I bleed! <words fail me -- I am laughing out loud>"

I was in heaven <then you should be dead, rather than writing this excrement>. I was actually going to fuck Melissa <big deal. Ho hum. Get on with it, you bumbling cretin>! I politely <!> asked her if she had ever taken it up the cunt before <"Darling, have you ever taken it up the cunt before? I mean, most women have anal sex first"> and she said she was still a virgin <yeah, *sure*>. She said that the only orgasms she'd ever had were the few she'd given herself while peeping in on her brother getting undressed <more than likely she's had sex with her brother, then>. This girl was a fuckin' nympho! <Shocking. Simply shocking.> She said she used to watch her 17 year old brother get undressed <the one she mentioned earlier was still only 7>, watch him jerk himself off until he came on his stomach <very sloppy masturbator -- hasn't he heard of Kleenex, or rubber gloves, or plastic bags?>, and then she would go in her room, lock the door, rip her close <as opposed to her open> off, and <masturbate?> play with herself <how coy of you!> until she burst like a <grenade, showering bloody debris over her room?> waterfall <completely wrong simile>.

Thinking of this just made me hornier <everything just makes you hornier. Why didn't you just get her to shut up, and then go ahead and fuck her?>. I then realized that she was turning <into a toad?> the other way. Her pussy was looming <or perhaps weaving? tatting? doing needlepoint?> closer and closer to my face, and finally, she reached her hands down, spread those wet lips <as opposed to her dry air> apart, and planted her glistening pussy <not the dry one, or the matte-finish one, or any of her other six vaginas> in my mouth <must have been pretty damned small>. I licked and licked, probing <always probing! sigh> her clit<oris> with my tongue <not your prehensile nose?> as I grabbed her ass and pressed that pussy <rather than any of her others> as far into my mouth as it would go <you sure do have a big mouth>. She was screaming, I mean really SCREAMING with emotional <as opposed to philosophical or moral> delight. She was yelling, "Eat me, eat me. <So you butchered her and barbecued her corpse. Please say that you did. Please.> Make me cum all over your face!" <Such realistic dialogue.> I had no problem with that <really? I can hardly believe it!>, so I continued until her love juices <hee hee -- always love juices!> were rushing <for 340 yards in a single quarter, thus earning a good shot at the Heisman Trophy> into my mouth like raging rapids <another bumbling simile from Bumbling Similes, Ltd.>. I swallowed it all and loved every bit of it <next you'll eat her feces, right?>. She became limp <well, I'm limp with boredom myself> when her orgasm was over. After lying <to your readers> across my body for a few minutes, she got up, spread my legs <on a nice fresh bagel>, and started blowing me <blowing? oh, it's your turn for oral sex. wake me when this is over> like I'd never been blown before <you guys always write that in stories -- apparently the excellence of the blow jobs in your lives is monotonically increasing, if we can believe you>. Her tongue covered every massive <i.e., piffling> inch <i.e., millimeter> of my dick <not to mention your Tom and Harry>, and after a very short time, I felt it <takes a while for nerve signals to travel to the brain in a primitive organism>. I felt the sperm <wow! you produce only one sperm! and a big one, too!> bursting up from inside <rather than from outside> and before I knew it <those slow nerve signals again>, I was <ejaculating?> shooting my wad <my, what an original phrase! how *clever* of you to have invented it!> inside Melissa's mouth. She swallowed slowly and licked my head <huh? oh, you mean your itty bitty glans penis> clean <she likes the taste of rancid smegma, I take it>. I clenched every muscle in my body <too bad that you didn't clench your heart muscle and die, but I suppose that we can't have everything> as I came harder than ever before <not saying much>. When it was over, she said, "OK, only one thing left."

"What's that?" I asked.

"We have to fuck now." she <said?> replied. <Yeah, sure. Such stamina -- it strains credulity.>

She lay down in the grass, spread her legs wide, and commanded me <using command language? Bourne shell?> to ram her into the ground <with a sledge- hammer?>. So I inserted <pompous ass!> my once again erect cock <nonsense!> into her welcoming pussy <her other vaginas had "Do Not Disturb" signs on them>. We bucked and fucked <and tucked and mucked and sucked and clucked and ducked...>, twisted and turned, screamed, yelled, grabbed, <never mind that -- did you have sex?> until we were both nearing <orgasm?> that special moment <coy again! how *cute*! how *darling*! how asinine!>.

Suddenly, Melissa ordered <three 16" pizzas with the works, using her cellular phone> me to suck her tits <"You vill suck mein titz! NOW!">. So I grabbed her left <breast?> titty and started sucking as hard as I could <must have been pretty hard if you sucked as much as this story does>, still slamming my cock into her bush <didn't you get into trouble with the ASPCA for abusing poultry?>.

She had her legs wrapped <in aluminum foil to keep them fresh?> around my waist and was pulling my body closer. Finally, seconds before I was about to <ejaculate?> come, I lifted her from the ground <such athleticism...>, pulled her up until I was in a kneeling position, and grabbed her ass cheeks and continued fucking and fucking <sure, sure, we all believe you>. She was screaming. I was screaming. <A large crowd stood around, attracted by the noise. The police showed up and charged you with indecent exposure and statutory rape.>

"Oh, oh, oh, oooooooh!" <Got a nice beat. I could dance to that.> "Fuck, oh mother fucker. Fuck, fuck, fuck!" <I cannot conceive of anybody saying this during sex. I simply can't. One says "fuck" when angry.> Then, at exactly the same instant <rubbish!>, my load <a hundredweight of fire-bricks?> went shooting up her and her juices spilled onto my dick, down my legs, and all over the place, flooding entire towns and drowning 37 people; the President declared a disaster area>.

"Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!" we both yelled <two hearts that beat as one, I guess> as I collapsed on top of her.

"Well, what are you doing tonight?" she asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Hopefully <only idiots make this blunder>, fucking your brains <what brains? where, where?> out again." I <said> replied.

That night, she came over to my house, and we fucked until dawn <no parents, guardians, or anyone else in the way>. That whole summer, I fucked Melissa every single day - without fail <sure, sure>. I always used <a condom?> protection <euphemism? why? do you think that we might be *offended* at the word "condom" when we weren't offended by endless repetitions of "fuck"?> of course, except for that first time, so we never got in any trouble <because, as everybody knows, condoms never ever slip off or tear -- they are absolutely perfect, and can be relied on absolutely, no matter how wild the sexual activity gets. And I am the Easter Bunny in my spare time>. Then, in September, when I had to leave for college. Melissa gave me a video tape of us fucking <perfect evidence for your trial for statutory rape -- isn't she just a *fucking GENIUS*?> and of her masturbating. She said I should watch it as often as I could, think of her, and jerk off. Then when I came home during vacations, she would fuck me over and over. So I did <did what? masturbate, or come home, or have sex with her?>. Even though I knew that at the same time, that horny little slut who<m> I had de-flowered, was fucking every god damn guy in our high school <including the homosexuals, whom she had to hold at gunpoint>. By the end of her four years there <she actually *graduated* in four years? more likely she dropped out, having spent all her time having sex>, there was not a single guy who had not tasted the wonderful, <such a creative use of a comma!> pussy that I knew and loved. <Such a touching little tale.>

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