Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger
Humor Archive
TENNESSEE APPLICATION FOR RESIDENCE
Name:________________ Nickname:______________ CB Handle:_____________
Address: (RFD):________________________________________________________
Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________
Mamma:_______________________________
Neck Shade: ( ) Light Red ( ) Medium Red ( ) Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________
Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________
Truck Equipped with:
( ) Gun Rack ( ) 4-Wheel Drive ( ) Confederate Flag ( ) Toothpick Holder
( ) 8-Track ( ) Load of Wood ( ) Hijacker Shocks ( ) Mud-grip Tires
( ) Big Dog ( ) Racoon Hide ( ) Dual CB Antenna ( ) Fuzz Buster
( ) Spitoon ( ) Camper Top ( ) Mag Wheels ( ) Air Horns
( ) Mud Flaps
Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________
Bumper Stickers:
( ) Eat More Possum ( ) Peanut Butter ( ) Honk if You Love Jesus
( ) Wave if You're Horny ( ) Redman Chewing Tobacco
Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
( ) Grits ( ) Muscadine ( ) Cobbler ( ) Tater
( ) Goobers ( ) Brogans ( ) Fatback ( ) Pig Skins
( ) Collards ( ) Redeye Gravy ( ) Tote ( ) Pinto Beans
( ) Sidemeat ( ) Sawmill Gravy ( ) Poke ( ) Turnip Salit
( ) Chitlins ( ) Soppin Syrup ( ) Cracker ( ) Shit-on-Shingle
( ) Ramps
Favorite Vocalist:
( ) Donna Fargo ( ) Conway Twitty ( ) Loretta Lynn ( ) Hank Williams
( ) Elvis ( ) Slim Whitman ( ) Tammy Wynette ( ) Porter Wagoner
( ) Johnny Cash ( ) Willie Nelson ( ) George Jones ( ) Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
( ) Square Dancin' ( ) Possum Huntin' ( ) Skinny Dippin'
( ) Craw Daddin' ( ) Gospel Singin' ( ) 4-Wheelin'
( ) Drankin' ( ) Bull Chip Throwin' ( ) Blue Grass Conventions
( ) Spitten' backy ( ) Other
Weapons Owned:
( ) Deer Rifle ( ) Bird Gun ( ) Varmit Rifle ( ) Sawed-off Shotgun
( ) Tire Iron ( ) Pick Handle ( ) Log Chain ( ) Power (chain) saw
Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: ( ) Blue Tick ( ) Black & Tan ( ) Beagle
Emblem: ( ) John Deere ( ) CAT ( ) Budweiser ( ) McCulloch Chain Saw
( ) PBR ( ) NAPA ( ) Coors ( ) Skoal
( ) Confederate Flag ( ) Basagran
Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____ Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____
Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______
Memberships:
( ) KKK ( ) NRA ( ) Moose ( ) PTL Club ( ) VFW ( ) American Legion
( ) Bass Club ( ) United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______
How many kitchen appliances (working or not) do you keep on your front
porch?______
Will you be a part of the Tennessee Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______
Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______
Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______
Are you married to any of the following?
( ) Sister ( ) Cousin ( ) Sow Do you know her name? ______
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______
Medical Information:
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
( ) BO ( ) Crabs ( ) Head Lice ( ) Bad Breath
( ) Scabies ( ) Trench Mouth ( ) Runny Nose
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______
Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______
Signature (if any) _____________________________
Fill in as many blanks as you can and mail to:
Mayor's Office
c/o Tanglefoot Saloon
Memphis, Tennessee
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and here is another thing that kinda goes along with it
YOU MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A REDNECK IF....
Your front porch collapses and it kills more than six dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
Less than half of the cars you own run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling
the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive tongue gestures.
You've ever barbecued Spam on a grill.
The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
The diploma hanging in your den includes the words, "Trucking Institute".
Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school
sporting event.
The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is, "What the
hell are you looking at, shithead?".
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an
opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You prominently display a souvenir from Graceland.
You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding picture was taken.
Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
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