Undisclosed - Zach Bo1inger

Mislead Searches

My webhost gives me usage statistics for my site. One of the things they track is the keywords people use when they hit my site from a search engine. This is a list of some of the more interesting terms people have used. For the most part, these things are not on my page, but each individual word is in here somewhere, on the same page, even. Spooky. Being the civic minded guy I am, I have offered help in some cases. People need to find this stuff, and sometimes it makes me curious. I'm pretty good at searching the web.

Seen it before? Skip to what's new.

How to masturbate in your own feces

You need instructions?

Poop
Sit in it.
Masturbate.

Illegal frog jumping contests boston

we wear socks indoors in college dorm

How do sea turtles breath eat and how does the blood circulate

Try searching for "sea turtles" "circulatory system" breath instead. Unless you are using ask.com, the "How do" part will limit your search results to pages that have those words. Also, When you put words in quotes, they have to be right next to each other.

I figure some kid is searching the internet instead of going to the library to do research for a school report. Since I admire that kind of laziness, I'm offering real help here.

If you wanted to go to dairy queen or something fine let s go

I do want to go!

Building your own bedframe

Rubber chicken kidnapped picture

I did have pictures at one time of my rubber chicken when she was kidnapped. Sadly, I no longer have them. They were amazing pictures. The kidnappers tortured and burned her.

mango lhasi

This is the first of several recipe type requests. Intererstingly enough, there is a recipe for the mango lhasi on my page. Click Here

Lubriderm alligator

Jack off with roommate in college

Sears microwave purchase

beer drinking frogs

If you meant "frogs drinking beer," I have that picture. If you really did mean "beer drinking frogs" then I've got nothing. See Joe Cartoon's web page for the first step in drinking a frog.

masala papad recipe

Another request for a recipe. I like to cook, but I don't have a lot of recipes on my page. I've now had three hits for masala papad. Two more, and I will find a recipe and post it here.

lamb love

Perhaps you were looking for this sound clip.

pictures of angels and beer

Actually, I have this picture. I forgot all about it until I did a search for angels beer at images.google.com.

funny pics of squirrels with guns

Ask and you shall receive. I found this by searching Google Images for squirrel gun.

funny pictures of elks

pee on mom.jpg

Good luck with that. I'm wondering what could be on my page that would give you a hit.

pictures nuns bugs

My college roommate had a friend lean over to him in class one day and say, "Dude, she shaves her bug. It's pretty cool." I wonder if that's the kind of bug this person was searching for.

nazi nudity

People have very specific fetishes these days

cage slave hang

I'm always on the look-out for good pictures of slave girls hanging in cages. If you find any, send them my way.

friends with benefits getting head

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

drunk squirrels free pictures

You had to specify free? If you forget, do you have to wade through 100's of search results where you have to pay to see some good squirell drinking?

animal cruelty pictures kitty in a glass

Oddly enough, I have some of those pictures on my hard drive. I didn't put them up on the site. I think they originally came from Bonsai Kitten

pictures of empty sandbox

wedding places in huntsville

Just the thought that somebody planning a wedding ended up at my site made me laugh.

what makes a girl prude

Your search is over. I'll just answer this one for you. If a girl won't sleep with me, she's a prude.

laxative pictures

pictures of blind swimmers

The first thing I thought of when I read this was my little swimmers. Sperm don't have eyes, so that would make them blind swimmers. Then second thing I thought of was Stephen Lynch's song Special Olympics . Go find it and listen to it.

girl is doing what she is told

Isn't that what we are all looking for? * I'm just waiting for somebody to write me and ask why I assume all my readers are men. Not so. Actually, I believe that deep down, all women are bisexual.

spanking the little guy

This researcher used a euphamism so as not to offend the search engine.

pictures of people in the morgue

Go to rotten.com.

does zach suck balls

I'm sure there is a Zach who sucks balls out there. I am not he.

she hand milked guys for money

walmart nudity

So far, I have not been judgemental about the people who are typing in these searches. But "Walmart Nudity?" This person is going out of their way to find pictures of Walmart nudity. There are many fine upscale pictures of porn ot there. And you crave rednecks. * Much like my belief that all women are bisexual, I also believe that all Southerners secretly wish they were Yankees.

what else do i bring to a sleepover besides beer

When I think of sleepovers, I think of nightgowns, girls practicing kissing, pillow fights, frozen bras. That's just me, though. If beer works for you, go with it.

bring to orgy

I like that people are coming to me for help with their orgies. I would say, bring your own vibrators, for sure. I'm not real big on sharing those. And admit it, you are going to need vibrators. The real thing is good, but if the orgy is going well, the ladies are going to want entertainment during the down time for the men. Also, bring food. Nothing is worse than getting a good orgy going and then somebody says "I'm hungry. Let's go to Denny's" and just like that, it's all over. I like fruit and sports drinks at my orgies. Maybe some hors d'vors type food as well. Some people recommend syrup and whipped cream. Some sort of alcohol is mandatory. Anything that will help kill inhibitions. Hope that helps.

sniff

That's it. One word. Somebody wanted to search high and low on the internet for the word "sniff" and they waded through pages and pages of 864,000 results. Somehow, they found me.

animal

Another single word search. What's really strange about this one? 379 times in the last three months, somebody went to my page after searching for "animal." And Google has 33,400,000 hits on that word. I actually feel bad about this one. It could be kids doing that search, and they are hitting my Funny Pictures page. No place for kids. Is there a meta tag I could put in so that if their computer has any parental control it will block the page?

Update: I found out where all these hits are coming from. If you search with Altavista Image Search, for "animal" I'm the fourth hit in that list! "Animal Crualty" is the caption. You have to turn off the Family Filter. Otherwise I don't show up at all. That makes me happy, too. By the way, turning off the family filter and searching for random women's names is a great way to find free porn. About 10% of the hits will be porn. You might think that's kind of low, but the search results do not show pay sites.

Just as a side note, if you are over 18, I recommend you go right now and turn off those filters on all your favorite search engines. By default they are turned on. You miss a lot.

zach's mom

Dude, that's not funny. Quit searching the internet for my mom.

little weiner

WTF, Google? Somebody searches for "little weiner" and you send them to me? Don't make me whip it out!

i hate the pillsbury doughboy

Don't we all

sexy tob

Nobody ever searches for sexy zach :(

spanish pickups lines

I actually have one of these on my page:
Sobale su miembro y metetelo en la boca eso es todo.

boston doesn't card

I admire kids these days and what they use the internet for. Just for that, I'll tell you. When I was underage in Boston, I went to a place called Bread Basket.

how to hide your pet in your dorm room

This is odd, because I used to have a pet iguana hidden in my closet when I lived in the dorms, but I never talked about it on the web page

air force trenchcoat

Now this is getting creepy. I also wore an Air Force trenchcoat in college and I didn't talk about that either.

help me i think i'm falling in love tonight

I wish I could have helped this person. I hate to see that happen to anybody

hector boyardee spaghetti recipe

Or you could just buy it in the can for cheaper than you could make it

orange snot

how to masturbate with your parents in the other room

Is this because you only get turned on when they are in the room with you?

sexy tricks

"New Rule: There aren't "101 Sex Tricks." In fact, ladies, there is only one. It's called the blowjob. Do it 101 times."

-Bill Mahar

The Spoiled Meat Section:

This is a very special section of the misled searches page. Each of these phrases has multiple listings in my logs. It would appear that there is a dire need for pictures of spoiled meat.

pictures of spoiled meat

pictures of spoiled tuna

spoiled steak pictures

pictures of bad red meat

Mike Campbell suggested that maybe as a public service I should provide some pictures. Turns out, It's really hard to find pictures of spoiled meat. If you have any, send them my way.

Here are the ones I did find:

Spoiled Beef:

Spoiled Ham:

Spoiled Tuna:

Actually, this tuna is very fresh, but it looks spoiled. If you want to use the picture and call it spoiled, I won't tell anybody.

(Sorry I'm a Patriots fan and he didn't leave on good terms)